The Aftermath aka Hindsight: Its a Glorious Thing

thanks, joyce, for your comments on my blog. you had me laughing and (sniff, sniff)...oh nevermind, i think i just had something in my eye.

everything you said is the truth. you mentioned feeling guilty alot. you shouldn't. life is life. i'm trying to learn to live in the present. i'm still inexperienced in life, but i think living in the present might be the most fulfilling ways to go about things.

THANK YOU for your honesty. i've always seen that as a strength in people. and BTW, i'm lucid enough to know i'm not going anywhere...no other careers lined up for me in the near future. i think superman might actually be the one fighting more to get in MY job then i am to get out. ha! he's dreamin'! he wouldn't survive long though i'm willin' to give him the benifit of the doubt. luv you superman.

one thing my mission taught me was that when you make a committment you stick to it, do it to the end, do the best you can while learning to do it better, improving all the time (even just by teeny bits) , through all the discomfort and pain that accompany it at times.

it requires compromise, adaptability, and a sense of adventure with some willingness toward spontanaity. and a buttload of patience, please excuse my cough.

i think its a wonderful thing to know people come from all different walks of life and circumstances yet we basically feel and experience the same stuff. from the mouth of a hick implant, "its real comfortin'".

This is me...venting.

**Disclaimer** the following post is a brutally honest look inside my bad day. keep in mind i recogonize some irrational content. this may be painful for some people to read. let alone depressing and un-inspiring.

**P.S. i am sorry this is what i post after a month's hiatus.**

actually i talked to charity this morning so i'm feel better. thanks charity. you're a true friend and for all the challenges life has thrown in your path lately, you have really made a difference in mine. i hope i can one day do as much for you.

i try to be an honest person. i try to be "all me" when i'm with people. i am not going to fudge the truth here though--i am not an easy person to get to know. unfortunately, my middle child appears to have inherited this quality from me. the people that "make it" are those that endure my endless un-talent for tactful communication; those people who can see beyond my exoskeleton into the really mushy insides. i think superman compared me to an M&M once. Hard shell with a melt in your mouth interior.

I have discovered in my life that most people are not up for the challenge. The ones that have been, tell me it was worth it but maybe they are biased besides the fact they have a gift for unconditional forgiveness. If it weren't for those beautiful souls, i would be completely and utterly alone in this life. At any rate, i know i gave them a run for their money. so my baggage amounts to one word--trust.

basically, earlier today, i decided i hate being a mom. the way things are, is not what i thought i was signing up for. i hope some of you who aren't mothers, won't let these comments disturb you. like i said, there are some irrational bits here but this is me. so you can imagine how you feel about the worst job you've ever done and thats about how i feel about doing my job most days. very sad pity party, i know; i really need to write down ten things i'm grateful for, i recognize that.

the good moments, the worthwhile ones, just seem too far apart. i am frustrated about being exhausted ALL the time. superman says, "Go to bed earlier". it doesn't matter how much sleep i get, its not necessarily physical exhaustion. its an inward, character-draining exhaustion. God help us that our kids even turn out decent and whole as people, not as damaged goods because i am so terrible at this job; not liking it doesn't help me be better at it.

To my beloved Superman--it seems that being able to change your career path anytime would be a welcome blessing. at least if you're not happy at home, God's given you a chance to have some form of success outside and be able to see your accomplishment sooner than 20 years from now. your assignment in life is to provide physically for us and to keep guard of us spiritually, which i am sure is a challenging situation, i don't want to minimize your role in this, but in your case at least you are using your strengths (in my opinion). you love religion and you can get a new job, new faces, new assignments, new scene.

i do the same tedious, boring, never-ending, bottomless work everyday just to see the people i love most come along and destroy it without realizing they are supposed to be grateful for it. they seemingly don't respect me or my work but there is the adage that respect is earned--you give it, you get it. so i must not respect them as people or maybe we'd have more of a symbiosis going on. my fault.

our kids ate 2500 calories of pringles today. that's a WHOLE can in one sitting. okay so its my fault. my fault. my fault. my fault. where was i? in bed still. craig was still sleeping. they were watching cartoons. usually they ask me if they want to eat. they had eaten breakfast, by the way.

they have gotten really good about asking, but i guess i'm such a millitary freak-show mom that they knew i'd say no seeing as it was seven in the morning so they just helped themselves. my fault, my fault, my fault.

yea so its just chips right? big deal? they're just kids, barely out of babyhood. calm down, j. why do you have to be that way? whatever (rolling my eyes).

one kid continues to wet herself so is now grounded from swimming till saturday under the conditions of staying dry and of course the other kid won't go pee on the pot--she's traumatized from seeing how hard it is for the older kid; ever since she can remember there has been this constant battle of the pee and poo. its a no brainer why she's not going ahead with the training.

another by the way, i'm not worried about her training; she's clearly not quite ready but Superman, once again is putting the pressure on. God help us, maybe by the time we have our last kid he'll finally learn little people cannot be rushed in these private matters. Love you forever Superman.

God, when will the pee and poo stop? God,why do we pee and poo? God, why can't these things just be automatic, like with a cat? a kitten sees the mom go in the litter and they will go in there too. period. its okay if you cracked a smile. who doesn't when they see pee and poo refered to this way?

God, why do kids have to be blank slates? don't you see we write the wrong things on them about 80% of the time? Why do you even think i can do this job right when its so obvious i cannot.

Just another day in the hickville neighborhood here. All in a day's work.
G'day or at least what you've got left of it... j

My Favorite Thing to Do

weeelll...i absolutely love books! i have a strong belief that books keep your mind active and smart and that one of the best ways to inspire your kids to read is if they see the parents reading.

superman and i read ALOT. we read completely different genres though. he prefers to learn and read in religious studies. my preferences tend to be more varied because i basically read what i have questions about or want to learn about a.e. i have had major interest in the english monarchy so i have been reading alot of historical fiction related to that. another time i didn't believe what my dentist told me about cavities so checked out a book about dental hygeine and when i got pregnant with Q., my first-born, i read a text book called "Reproductive Biology" from cover to cover so i could know exactly what was going on everyday from day zero.

i really love historical fiction and if i get stumped with finding something to read next, i turn to the best seller list.

my friend Ashley recently asked for some suggestions and opinions on some books so i decided to post this. i'm open to more suggestions as well about good reads cuz i am always looking for stuff to read. superman wants me to read about Teddy Roosevelt but i haven't got to it yet. sorry love.

a couple summers ago i read "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" and it's one that i still recommend and sticks out in my mind. i thought it was great! Anything written by mitch albom is at the top of my list. ALL of his are awesome and short, easy, inspiring reading.

there is a really interesting book that stood out to me called "the glass house". i don't remember the author but it was autobiographical and wonderful.

i've been hearing tons of raves about the twilight series (even superman brought this one up cuz the author is LDS) and wasn't really impressed by the subject matter but after one of my BF's read them and suggested it to me, i caved and am waiting for it to arrive from half.com

i watched what i think is the best movie of the year..."p.s. i love you". it is based on a book so i'm gonna read it and i'd recommend reading it first before the movie. that's usually better.

i am serious about my disclaimer there above what i am currently reading. i don't read a book if its really bad but a love scene or two and a couple swear words typically don't turn me away if its in context with the writing and not obscene. a good example of a book like this is "The Horse Whisperer." there is a really bawdy, nasty love scene that must be skipped over lest you want it engraved on your brain forever after. i learned my lesson from that one when i was 17. there was this book once written about this amish guy who murdered someone (it was non-fiction); about half way through it started getting really heavy into nasty details about this guys really nasty private life so i quit reading it. my MIL lets me know too if some books have lots of swear words...especially the "f" word. i don't understand what that adds to the context of the book. usually if a book is gonna have alot of cussing it almost in every sentence so you can tell just by glancing at a few lines if its appropriate.

after a chapter or so i feel i can usually get a feel if the book is gonna be rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. i don't consider the ones i've recommended to be that but that is my own opinion.

some authors also go overboard with details and some books i'll just skim or skip a few pages. if i'm having trouble with a book dragging on, sometimes i'll just graze through it...i hate to start one and not finish...i try not to get em that way in the first place though.

some books come highly recommended like "Love in the Time of Cholera" and that same author has another book he won the Pulitzer Prize for but i am really struggling. i am trying to give it an honest chance but i'm not sure if i can keep on going with it. i'm not sure what's wrong with the writing besides its not going anywhere fast enough for me. i keep wondering if the guy is gonna start getting into the story or if he's just gonna build character for half the book. anyone else read him?

i'm gonna follow some of the leads through Ashley's other comments too.

OH! my MIL is reading some stuff by Dean Hughes (he's LDS)--i think its the Children of the Promise Series. it didn't really look interesting to us (its based in world war II) but she started them and can't put them down.

if you want to know if i've read something or heard reviews about something, just ask. my MIL works for a library so i am always asking her about books. and please, if you have any books or subject matter you thought were great post them in the comments. i google stuff all the time too to find who's written the best about stuff i want to learn about. and amazon offers tons of reviews on books too. g'day and happy reading everyone!