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Monday, December 14, 2009

Note to Self

i realize that most my posts lately have been mostly about...me. well, i didn't think about it at the time, but now that feels selfish even though this is technically my online journal. i realized maybe peeps don't want to read about just me though. okay, so its selfish and self centered to focus primarily on myself when writing my blog but it is theraputic bouncing my thoughts off this virtual wall. and i am not going to stop. my apologies go out to anyone who gets sick of seeing "my thoughts" posts. i will keep in my mind that the occasional " what my kids did today was funny" posts would break up the monotony of hearing me think. i will make more of an effort to mix things up in my quest of self improvement.



for today, a little share on a recent creation from my eldest 2 runts...





Creative aren't they? who knew all it takes to make a mastepiece is a little burnt popcorn and leftover applesauce.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Analysis of Myself: It Began with a Sunday

First getting ready for church was horrible. We got up in plenty of time however the runts decided they wanted two brekkies right in a row. They ate cereal and were still hungry. Q. begged for chocolate gravy but I cooked a good brekkie on Saturday so I told her I wasn’t cooking but I would cook an egg. She said that was still cooking.

Anyways, I told her an egg was pretty easy which meant I had to fix some for BBB. He has to have whatever the girls have. Auj wanted toast, probably because she saw me eating an English muffin and there was no bread defrosted so I just made her some toast out a half a hamburger bun. And thankfully, she didn’t mind sharing a bite with BBB since he has to have a little of everything. Which is good that a little of everything pleases him alright, though he didn’t eat his toast…I knew he’d want it and not eat. Oh well. The two ate their eggs. But they just wouldn’t get moving and get dressed. Mom was here and would help if I told her what was what but I wish she would just take the initiative, only in some things though.

Once we got through the chaos of getting to church, late as usual, come to find that the Coombs are speaking. This is a lovely family, six kids, and fire cracker parents. Very enthusiastic, spiritual people. I wonder if they’ve always been this exciteable? Anyways, they were speaking about guidance from God and the Spirit. They told some neat stories. I really enjoyed the angle sis. Coombs took. She said she was thinking what keeps her from seeking guidance.


1. Discouragement
2. Lack of courage
3. ??


I can’t remember the last one because I got so hung up on the first one, discouragement.
A Word, or Several Hundred, On Discouragement, Among other Things.
A source Sister Coombs used for her talk was Kevin W. Pearsons of the Qurom of the Seventy. He gave a talk about faith in the May 2009 General Conference. Here is a link to it:


http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=162a230bac7f0210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

The bit that fit into my line of thinking was about the 6 Destructive D’s; doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief. Each one leads to the next. I will insert an excerpt (that sounds funny)…

“We do have a choice. We get what we focus on consistently. Because there is an opposition in all things, there are forces that erode our faith. Some are the result of Satan’s direct influence. But for others, we have no one but ourselves to blame. These stem from personal tendencies, attitudes, and habits we can learn to change. I will refer to these influences as the “Six Destructive Ds.” As I do, consider their influence on you or your children.

First is doubt. Doubt is not a principle of the gospel. It does not come from the Light of Christ or the influence of the Holy Ghost. Doubt is a negative emotion related to fear. It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God.

Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit (see Preach My Gospel [2004], 10). Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith.

Discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. Discouragement and distraction are two of Satan’s most effective tools, but they are also bad habits.

Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence.

If not reversed, this path ultimately leads to disobedience, which undermines the very basis of faith. So often the result is disbelief, the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe.

The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling.

These Six Destructive Ds—doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief—all erode and destroy our faith. We can choose to avoid and overcome them.

Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33).”

After reading this and the rest of Elder Pearsons talk, I realized that there is really a different root to my problem. I believe I am suffering from a decrease in my faith. Elder Pearsons put faith into a perspective I have not thought of previously. I mean, I know faith increases through action but I didn’t consider the whole realm of obedience that developing and keeping faith requires.

I love this quote followed by Elder Pearsons thoughts:

“Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught: “Faith is a gift of God bestowed as a reward for personal righteousness. It is always given when righteousness is present, and the greater the measure of obedience to God’s laws the greater will be the endowment of faith” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 264). If we desire more faith, we must be more obedient. When we teach our children by example or precept to be casual or situational in obeying God’s commandments, we prevent them from receiving this vital spiritual gift. Faith requires an attitude of exact obedience, even in the small, simple things.”

This is the perspective I have been lacking. I do the big stuff. I attend my sacrament meetings, I strive to stay worthy of my temple recommend, I strive to fulfill my calling, and do what is right. But that bigger stuff is not enough without the little stuff. There is so much going through my mind now that makes sense in terms of how people can be active in the church but still not “get it”. I’ve become one of those people but in a not so obvious lack-of-visiting-teaching-missing-a-Sunday-a-month-skipping-my-Sunday-School-class way. If I can just take a small step to start changing my habits, overcome that doubt I feel, I would feel better and be more patient with my children. And myself. And my husband. And my life. The end.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Facebook (FB) is Evil: In My Opinion, Educated or Otherwise

At first I was going to completely say goodbye to FB. I wasn’t going to turn the PC on at all, except my blog is online. And to say goodbye I had to go on FB. Then I decided, well, FB is like all other necessary evils. Ok it doesn’t rank on the scale with food and sleep but it is a good tool to stay in touch and it is fun to do BUT there MUST be moderation.

So I eliminated my usage of apps. NO MORE APPS. And I am going to try to quit going there all the time though it is interesting to read what everyone has to say and it takes forever to catch up if you miss a day or two BUT (hold up hand) BUT. Who cares? Why do I care? Because I do? Alright I have to work on not letting NOT KNOWING what’s up all the time bother me.

Remember work in progress…work in progress. Repeat after me. Work in progress. After all, I really don’t need to be online to even type this because it starts in Microsoft Office then I can copy and paste the edited portions. With all that said I am hoping to see a marked improvement with my online usage of FB. And it is liberating just thinking about it. In fact, I’m a little excited.

I have a lot of unread literature just waiting to uplift me and what a much better example for my kids to see my nose buried in a book rather than glowing from screen glare. Now I know I mentioned a counselor; that’s actually my imaginary friend, however I am seriously considering bringing that to reality. All in due time. The end.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Deciding to Change

Why don’t I just change? This is what is bothering me. Guess I have a few things bothering me lately. My internal dialogue (as Dr. Phil would say) runs along these lines:

1. It is hard to change.

2. If I can’t do it perfect, I don’t want to do it yet aka if I’m only gonna remember to do once or twice or for a week then why bother?

3. I might have to be happy. Gross.

4. What do I say to a Father I’ve drifted so far away from? Where do I start? (with a side of pit in the stomach)


My Response to My Internal Dialogue:

It IS hard to change but its never going to be easier…might as well just get started. I do not like messing up but it’s gotta’ happen sometime right?

I’m NOT perfect but some is better than none, as Superman would say, “Better than a poke in the eye.”

Why do I feel like I have to be doom and gloom all the time? Because…I don’t want people to take advantage of me, mainly my family (kids and hubby). I don’t want to feel this feeling of giving all the time and seeing not a whole lot in return. Maybe that’s just my problem though. I am sniffing Fear in this. AaaaND this might be one to ask the counselor. Moving on.

I don’t know my Father and Jesus as well as I used to. very true. I’m embarrassed. I have struggled with the “Are you really out there?”- it-feels-weird-to-pray-to-the-air feeling lately. Except lately is more like the last five years or something. Deep down, I know I’m not (praying to the air) cuz these little things keep happening to me. Really silly, worldly things, story for another day.

In expressing this I am seeing where humility should play a role in this. I am prideful. I do not get on my knees, I do not have heartfelt prayers because I am prideful. I do not revel in my scriptures because I have allowed myself to get distracted with other things…because I haven’t really made up my mind that I want to change, that I want to be happy. I have so many blessings that if I am happy it could all come crashing down and I will be disappointed in my new found happiness. Just better to be miserable. Needless to say I am a work in progress and I decided last nite. This is IT! I’ve had it! I am going to take some steps. I want to improve. I am GOING TO IMPROVE! Yay for me! (take a deep breath, really deep… ok let it out) now cross my fingers, hope to die... or not.


The end.

Monday, November 9, 2009

How Does a Mother Stop Having Children?

this is a question weighing heavily on my mind lately, partly because my baby rosie is almost half a year old already. she is rolling over both ways now and ready to start cereal. for some reason, i just cannot bring myself to make that first little serving for her though. maybe i fear it will break my heart; bring home the realization that this might be the last time for a first serving of baby cereal. that though i am watching her have "firsts" every week now, that cereal brings with it a finality that i cannot keep her small as my baby forever.

so i find myself questioning this whole child rearing thing. how does a woman know? of course, there is the age old answers. "it's individual". "a couple's choice." "you'll just know." what does that mean anyways? "you'll just know." what if you don't "just know"?

sure, some moms do. i can see that. sometimes they "just know". for others the decision is made for them or there seems to be an obvious stopping point. for instance, when you have four daughters and then a son, or when you have eight and it just feels like enough, or when you have several babies close together and your womb has to be removed because it will not heal, or when you "just know" that you are going to have five and have known that since you were 12, or when you just cannot physically have them anymore because each pregnancy is worse than the last--so much so that you and your baby are at risk, or you've had too many C-sections. the list can probably go on.

but what about those in between. those with no obvious stopping point. what about the Duggar lady? she will not stop until nature decides Aunt Flo can go or the Dr. has to remove her womb because it will not heal.

How am i supposed to weigh my options? some would say "pray". well, i have. the answer is the Lord is pleased. what i've done is enough. but there can be another child come if its our choice. not just any random spirit; one chosen for our home. so its OUR choice. superman is not very supportive. he'd rather quit now, maybe while it feels we are ahead? are we ahead? what happens to that spirit boy if we don't accept him? what family will he bless his prescence with? i would always wonder that. can i LIVE with this.

what if i choose another baby? what if i can persuade superman? will the desire go away to choose another? will it really ever go away? i suppose if its never going to go away, if i am going to have to live it forever, then why not just start living it now? why bring another one, especially when i feel i cannot care for the ones i have. some people would beg to differ. "of course you are doing wonderful" they say to me. but nothing ever is as it seems.

i would like to visit with the Duggar family. how do they rationalize allowing their older children grow up so quickly because they are needed to help raise their siblings? are there any siblings that feel rebellious and they cover it up because they are basically brainwashed in the Duggar way? will and do all the children believe in or follow what Josh and Anna did and choose to let God decide how many "blessings" to give them?

let me go back to the torn feelings of having another baby. i love babies. i cannot imagine not bringing more babies into our family. i cannot imagine living without that desire. and i wonder where the spirits that we do not choose to make bodies for will go. i wonder how many i would have before i felt it's enough. that thought is scary and thrilling and then more scary and sometimes sickening. that this phase could go on for many more years.

i do not like what having children does to my body. i am not happy in the shape i am in nor do i feel i have the energy or motivation to change it. esssentially i feel i would need to become a supermom. the one that does the PTO, volunteers, does her church callings, has all her laundry done, and exercises religiously. there's all the churchy answers. make a small time for the Lord and you will have much more time to do what you want. but what about energy?

and among this, i feel anxious to move on to the next stage of my life. is that sad? i want to know what it is to not have diapers to change and baby throw-up all over me. i would like to know how it feels to have all my kids in school at once before i'm 40--what will i do then? i want to know what it is to be DONE with the baby phase, really done. am i wishing my life away? i'm beginning to wonder if DONE is meant for me. i just happen to be one daughter that Heavenly Father has chosen to live with this challenge of never "knowing"?

at this moment, the thought of this makes me sick, almost physically sick. how can I keep having children but how can I not keep having children?

can i physically handle another child? can i spiritually handle not having another child? emotionally, it is questionable either way. mentally, logically, its easiest to see this as i imagine superman must see it:

silly, over thinking girl...the answer is easy. be happy with what you have.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Checking In

i want to be able to say "not much going on" but the problem is there is plenty going on and i do not blog enough. i know i should keep this more because our memories are fleeting things. i don't even know why i'm writing this now seeing as i cannot think of what to say so i'll just leave some updates.

Q. is our big K5er. she can read if she practices and she's basically obsessed with dragons. she is the boss of the kiddos and reminds me daily of the all the mischief i used to get in when i was her age.

Auj is coming right along. she just celebrated her birthday #4 and had her second set of ear tubes installed, if i may call it that. she is a thoughtful child, always telling me thanks when i feed her and what not.

BBB, "bigT" to his uncle, is almost two! talking more everyday and is his sister's mime. this kid can repeat anything you say verbatim. trains, planes, and automobiles are his game with a side of tractors.

Sunshine is growing too fast, as babies have a tendency to do. she can roll over from her tummy to back and will be going the other way soon. she loves her hands and has recently discovered she loves her feet just as much. however, she can sometimes grab on and squeeze her toes so hard her fingers dig in which hurts and leads to some crying. she hasn't quite got the coordination going all the way. oh and i cannot forget how she chatters. if we talk to her she chatters and she loves the mornings...she is our social butterfly. p.s. she like to chew her tongue and its really cute.

Superman has been kidnapped by his thesis. hopefully, he will be returned in a few weeks after his FE exam. this has led me to flashbacks of his last semester in ungrad with two differences...BBB and Sunshine. needless to say, i am a tad burned out but so goes the life of a mother. i am doing all i can to enjoy my children in their stages.

one thing that has really been enjoyable has been watching one of my great friends experience becoming a mother. another one of my good friends will be experiencing the same next spring and it is a wonderful thing to watch. i have realized the desire to see my daughters grow up well, marry well, and become mothers. what a blessing for a mother, to become a grandmother. i cannot express these feelings in full yet but all i can say is somehow it has strengthened me.

of course there are my books and my goals as well. on my list to read are The Hunger Games trilogy, The Time Traveler's Wife, and The Lost Symbol. i have a few goals in mind...i must, must, must spend less time Facebooking, i would very much like to spend one day a week visiting Nanny and Poppy to collect stories of their life, and i would like to study the General Conference much more this season.

to close, i must say some of my favorite things of late. when Q. gets off the bus. chatting with her and doing her homework, seeing her learn has been fun. watching BBB and Auj make up their own games...they are so incredible together and their laughter fills our home with delight. recently, one of my favorite things was watching gramma C. play hot potatoe and i love to see little girls get their fingernails painted by their father. the weather, Edy's Drumstick ice cream, hamburgers, Desperate Housewives, keeping in touch through FB, quiet time at 2pm, and nursing my baby.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My Recent Reads

I'm not much of a book reviewer but i do love a good read. Lately, i've read Drowning Ruth, The Kite Runner, and i just finished Gap Creek.

I thought i'd try to put my three cents worth in.

Drowning Ruth was a pretty good read. the author made it a complex character story involving what i would call a bit of obsession and family betrayal; how secrets change a person and the people they interact with. i struggled a bit with the main character, trying to figure out if she was crazy or just plain self-centered. i'd like to say the second.

I don't really know what to say about The Kite Runner, except the farther i read the better it got. Really the end kept getting better and better. I think some readers might find the author slow to get the story going in the beginning or maybe its just a slow building up of the story, a setting up so to speak, for the climax and point of the whole thing. i read this with the perspective that it could be a true story. the real life experiences of the author...maybe his writing did that to me or maybe that was just me but the book is fiction as far as i know. I am trying to decide whether or not to make this a best read. if anyone else has read it, please let me know what you think. i would recommend it just to know what people i know think of this book. it has some really good reviews. i have to give the author credit for this being his first book; i think the writing was pretty good.

Now Gap Creek. I don't why i found this book so fascinating. i couldn't put it down. its about this teenage girl who lives in the backcountry of the Carolina's at the turn of the 20th century. its a simple tale about poor mountain living and the everyday struggles of that sort of life. its hard to believe this one young couple went through so much disaster in a year but maybe that is what kept the story interesting. maybe i'm just fascinated with the old ways of life. and adding the poor hick element just made it all the more interesting to me. i found it to be an entertaining read. maybe some would find it boring but if you're interested to read a "journal" of sorts of what it was like to eek out a living in the poor mountain country then this has alot of detail about it and i didn't find it boring at all.

i'm sure alicyn could do alot better at analyzing these so i hope she can get around to reading these sometime (even though i know you have your hands full with moving and all, i would like to know what you think.)

overall, i'd recommend any of these as good reads. now off to start on Icy Sparks, about a girl with turett's syndrome set in the 1950's. THE END

Friday, June 12, 2009

Some People Might Like This

this blog has taken the turn of my journal. write in it faithfully for some time than forget it about for some more time. and wish i had never stopped cuz there is too much in between to really make up for it.

must move on anyways though. the trouble began last fall when i became pregnant with kiddo #4. the sickness gets to me bad. then some of my friends led me to discover facebook and i never looked back, until now.

some events: Q. went to Pre-K, Audi turned 3, BBB turned 1 and started doing all the stuff that comes with it aka walking, i got a buddha belly, superman is getting closer to graduating, our cat, Thomas, got shot and killed by a neighbor, i turned the big 3-0, Q. turned 5 (has it really been five years?), Q. got the go ahead to go to K5 (she scored 91.5% on her screening), and my buddha belly went away in minute with the arrival of Rosa.

some recent pics (check out the slideshow for more):