The Analysis of Myself: It Began with a Sunday

First getting ready for church was horrible. We got up in plenty of time however the runts decided they wanted two brekkies right in a row. They ate cereal and were still hungry. Q. begged for chocolate gravy but I cooked a good brekkie on Saturday so I told her I wasn’t cooking but I would cook an egg. She said that was still cooking.

Anyways, I told her an egg was pretty easy which meant I had to fix some for BBB. He has to have whatever the girls have. Auj wanted toast, probably because she saw me eating an English muffin and there was no bread defrosted so I just made her some toast out a half a hamburger bun. And thankfully, she didn’t mind sharing a bite with BBB since he has to have a little of everything. Which is good that a little of everything pleases him alright, though he didn’t eat his toast…I knew he’d want it and not eat. Oh well. The two ate their eggs. But they just wouldn’t get moving and get dressed. Mom was here and would help if I told her what was what but I wish she would just take the initiative, only in some things though.

Once we got through the chaos of getting to church, late as usual, come to find that the Coombs are speaking. This is a lovely family, six kids, and fire cracker parents. Very enthusiastic, spiritual people. I wonder if they’ve always been this exciteable? Anyways, they were speaking about guidance from God and the Spirit. They told some neat stories. I really enjoyed the angle sis. Coombs took. She said she was thinking what keeps her from seeking guidance.


1. Discouragement
2. Lack of courage
3. ??

I can’t remember the last one because I got so hung up on the first one, discouragement.
A Word, or Several Hundred, On Discouragement, Among other Things.
A source Sister Coombs used for her talk was Kevin W. Pearsons of the Qurom of the Seventy. He gave a talk about faith in the May 2009 General Conference. Here is a link to it:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=162a230bac7f0210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

The bit that fit into my line of thinking was about the 6 Destructive D’s; doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief. Each one leads to the next. I will insert an excerpt (that sounds funny)…

“We do have a choice. We get what we focus on consistently. Because there is an opposition in all things, there are forces that erode our faith. Some are the result of Satan’s direct influence. But for others, we have no one but ourselves to blame. These stem from personal tendencies, attitudes, and habits we can learn to change. I will refer to these influences as the “Six Destructive Ds.” As I do, consider their influence on you or your children.

First is doubt. Doubt is not a principle of the gospel. It does not come from the Light of Christ or the influence of the Holy Ghost. Doubt is a negative emotion related to fear. It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God.

Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit (see Preach My Gospel [2004], 10). Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith.

Discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. Discouragement and distraction are two of Satan’s most effective tools, but they are also bad habits.

Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence.

If not reversed, this path ultimately leads to disobedience, which undermines the very basis of faith. So often the result is disbelief, the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe.

The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling.

These Six Destructive Ds—doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief—all erode and destroy our faith. We can choose to avoid and overcome them.

Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33).”

After reading this and the rest of Elder Pearsons talk, I realized that there is really a different root to my problem. I believe I am suffering from a decrease in my faith. Elder Pearsons put faith into a perspective I have not thought of previously. I mean, I know faith increases through action but I didn’t consider the whole realm of obedience that developing and keeping faith requires.

I love this quote followed by Elder Pearsons thoughts:

“Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught: “Faith is a gift of God bestowed as a reward for personal righteousness. It is always given when righteousness is present, and the greater the measure of obedience to God’s laws the greater will be the endowment of faith” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 264). If we desire more faith, we must be more obedient. When we teach our children by example or precept to be casual or situational in obeying God’s commandments, we prevent them from receiving this vital spiritual gift. Faith requires an attitude of exact obedience, even in the small, simple things.”

This is the perspective I have been lacking. I do the big stuff. I attend my sacrament meetings, I strive to stay worthy of my temple recommend, I strive to fulfill my calling, and do what is right. But that bigger stuff is not enough without the little stuff. There is so much going through my mind now that makes sense in terms of how people can be active in the church but still not “get it”. I’ve become one of those people but in a not so obvious lack-of-visiting-teaching-missing-a-Sunday-a-month-skipping-my-Sunday-School-class way. If I can just take a small step to start changing my habits, overcome that doubt I feel, I would feel better and be more patient with my children. And myself. And my husband. And my life. The end.

Facebook (FB) is Evil: In My Opinion, Educated or Otherwise

At first I was going to completely say goodbye to FB. I wasn’t going to turn the PC on at all, except my blog is online. And to say goodbye I had to go on FB. Then I decided, well, FB is like all other necessary evils. Ok it doesn’t rank on the scale with food and sleep but it is a good tool to stay in touch and it is fun to do BUT there MUST be moderation.

So I eliminated my usage of apps. NO MORE APPS. And I am going to try to quit going there all the time though it is interesting to read what everyone has to say and it takes forever to catch up if you miss a day or two BUT (hold up hand) BUT. Who cares? Why do I care? Because I do? Alright I have to work on not letting NOT KNOWING what’s up all the time bother me.

Remember work in progress…work in progress. Repeat after me. Work in progress. After all, I really don’t need to be online to even type this because it starts in Microsoft Office then I can copy and paste the edited portions. With all that said I am hoping to see a marked improvement with my online usage of FB. And it is liberating just thinking about it. In fact, I’m a little excited.

I have a lot of unread literature just waiting to uplift me and what a much better example for my kids to see my nose buried in a book rather than glowing from screen glare. Now I know I mentioned a counselor; that’s actually my imaginary friend, however I am seriously considering bringing that to reality. All in due time. The end.

Deciding to Change

Why don’t I just change? This is what is bothering me. Guess I have a few things bothering me lately. My internal dialogue (as Dr. Phil would say) runs along these lines:

1. It is hard to change.

2. If I can’t do it perfect, I don’t want to do it yet aka if I’m only gonna remember to do once or twice or for a week then why bother?

3. I might have to be happy. Gross.

4. What do I say to a Father I’ve drifted so far away from? Where do I start? (with a side of pit in the stomach)


My Response to My Internal Dialogue:

It IS hard to change but its never going to be easier…might as well just get started. I do not like messing up but it’s gotta’ happen sometime right?

I’m NOT perfect but some is better than none, as Superman would say, “Better than a poke in the eye.”

Why do I feel like I have to be doom and gloom all the time? Because…I don’t want people to take advantage of me, mainly my family (kids and hubby). I don’t want to feel this feeling of giving all the time and seeing not a whole lot in return. Maybe that’s just my problem though. I am sniffing Fear in this. AaaaND this might be one to ask the counselor. Moving on.

I don’t know my Father and Jesus as well as I used to. very true. I’m embarrassed. I have struggled with the “Are you really out there?”- it-feels-weird-to-pray-to-the-air feeling lately. Except lately is more like the last five years or something. Deep down, I know I’m not (praying to the air) cuz these little things keep happening to me. Really silly, worldly things, story for another day.

In expressing this I am seeing where humility should play a role in this. I am prideful. I do not get on my knees, I do not have heartfelt prayers because I am prideful. I do not revel in my scriptures because I have allowed myself to get distracted with other things…because I haven’t really made up my mind that I want to change, that I want to be happy. I have so many blessings that if I am happy it could all come crashing down and I will be disappointed in my new found happiness. Just better to be miserable. Needless to say I am a work in progress and I decided last nite. This is IT! I’ve had it! I am going to take some steps. I want to improve. I am GOING TO IMPROVE! Yay for me! (take a deep breath, really deep… ok let it out) now cross my fingers, hope to die... or not.

The end.

How Does a Mother Stop Having Children?

this is a question weighing heavily on my mind lately, partly because my baby rosie is almost half a year old already. she is rolling over both ways now and ready to start cereal. for some reason, i just cannot bring myself to make that first little serving for her though. maybe i fear it will break my heart; bring home the realization that this might be the last time for a first serving of baby cereal. that though i am watching her have "firsts" every week now, that cereal brings with it a finality that i cannot keep her small as my baby forever.

so i find myself questioning this whole child rearing thing. how does a woman know? of course, there is the age old answers. "it's individual". "a couple's choice." "you'll just know." what does that mean anyways? "you'll just know." what if you don't "just know"?

sure, some moms do. i can see that. sometimes they "just know". for others the decision is made for them or there seems to be an obvious stopping point. for instance, when you have four daughters and then a son, or when you have eight and it just feels like enough, or when you have several babies close together and your womb has to be removed because it will not heal, or when you "just know" that you are going to have five and have known that since you were 12, or when you just cannot physically have them anymore because each pregnancy is worse than the last--so much so that you and your baby are at risk, or you've had too many C-sections. the list can probably go on.

but what about those in between. those with no obvious stopping point. what about the Duggar lady? she will not stop until nature decides Aunt Flo can go or the Dr. has to remove her womb because it will not heal.

How am i supposed to weigh my options? some would say "pray". well, i have. the answer is the Lord is pleased. what i've done is enough. but there can be another child come if its our choice. not just any random spirit; one chosen for our home. so its OUR choice. superman is not very supportive. he'd rather quit now, maybe while it feels we are ahead? are we ahead? what happens to that spirit boy if we don't accept him? what family will he bless his prescence with? i would always wonder that. can i LIVE with this.

what if i choose another baby? what if i can persuade superman? will the desire go away to choose another? will it really ever go away? i suppose if its never going to go away, if i am going to have to live it forever, then why not just start living it now? why bring another one, especially when i feel i cannot care for the ones i have. some people would beg to differ. "of course you are doing wonderful" they say to me. but nothing ever is as it seems.

i would like to visit with the Duggar family. how do they rationalize allowing their older children grow up so quickly because they are needed to help raise their siblings? are there any siblings that feel rebellious and they cover it up because they are basically brainwashed in the Duggar way? will and do all the children believe in or follow what Josh and Anna did and choose to let God decide how many "blessings" to give them?

let me go back to the torn feelings of having another baby. i love babies. i cannot imagine not bringing more babies into our family. i cannot imagine living without that desire. and i wonder where the spirits that we do not choose to make bodies for will go. i wonder how many i would have before i felt it's enough. that thought is scary and thrilling and then more scary and sometimes sickening. that this phase could go on for many more years.

i do not like what having children does to my body. i am not happy in the shape i am in nor do i feel i have the energy or motivation to change it. esssentially i feel i would need to become a supermom. the one that does the PTO, volunteers, does her church callings, has all her laundry done, and exercises religiously. there's all the churchy answers. make a small time for the Lord and you will have much more time to do what you want. but what about energy?

and among this, i feel anxious to move on to the next stage of my life. is that sad? i want to know what it is to not have diapers to change and baby throw-up all over me. i would like to know how it feels to have all my kids in school at once before i'm 40--what will i do then? i want to know what it is to be DONE with the baby phase, really done. am i wishing my life away? i'm beginning to wonder if DONE is meant for me. i just happen to be one daughter that Heavenly Father has chosen to live with this challenge of never "knowing"?

at this moment, the thought of this makes me sick, almost physically sick. how can I keep having children but how can I not keep having children?

can i physically handle another child? can i spiritually handle not having another child? emotionally, it is questionable either way. mentally, logically, its easiest to see this as i imagine superman must see it:

silly, over thinking girl...the answer is easy. be happy with what you have.