**P.S. i am sorry this is what i post after a month's hiatus.**
actually i talked to charity this morning so i'm feel better. thanks charity. you're a true friend and for all the challenges life has thrown in your path lately, you have really made a difference in mine. i hope i can one day do as much for you.
i try to be an honest person. i try to be "all me" when i'm with people. i am not going to fudge the truth here though--i am not an easy person to get to know. unfortunately, my middle child appears to have inherited this quality from me. the people that "make it" are those that endure my endless un-talent for tactful communication; those people who can see beyond my exoskeleton into the really mushy insides. i think superman compared me to an M&M once. Hard shell with a melt in your mouth interior.
I have discovered in my life that most people are not up for the challenge. The ones that have been, tell me it was worth it but maybe they are biased besides the fact they have a gift for unconditional forgiveness. If it weren't for those beautiful souls, i would be completely and utterly alone in this life. At any rate, i know i gave them a run for their money. so my baggage amounts to one word--trust.
basically, earlier today, i decided i hate being a mom. the way things are, is not what i thought i was signing up for. i hope some of you who aren't mothers, won't let these comments disturb you. like i said, there are some irrational bits here but this is me. so you can imagine how you feel about the worst job you've ever done and thats about how i feel about doing my job most days. very sad pity party, i know; i really need to write down ten things i'm grateful for, i recognize that.
the good moments, the worthwhile ones, just seem too far apart. i am frustrated about being exhausted ALL the time. superman says, "Go to bed earlier". it doesn't matter how much sleep i get, its not necessarily physical exhaustion. its an inward, character-draining exhaustion. God help us that our kids even turn out decent and whole as people, not as damaged goods because i am so terrible at this job; not liking it doesn't help me be better at it.
To my beloved Superman--it seems that being able to change your career path anytime would be a welcome blessing. at least if you're not happy at home, God's given you a chance to have some form of success outside and be able to see your accomplishment sooner than 20 years from now. your assignment in life is to provide physically for us and to keep guard of us spiritually, which i am sure is a challenging situation, i don't want to minimize your role in this, but in your case at least you are using your strengths (in my opinion). you love religion and you can get a new job, new faces, new assignments, new scene.
i do the same tedious, boring, never-ending, bottomless work everyday just to see the people i love most come along and destroy it without realizing they are supposed to be grateful for it. they seemingly don't respect me or my work but there is the adage that respect is earned--you give it, you get it. so i must not respect them as people or maybe we'd have more of a symbiosis going on. my fault.
our kids ate 2500 calories of pringles today. that's a WHOLE can in one sitting. okay so its my fault. my fault. my fault. my fault. where was i? in bed still. craig was still sleeping. they were watching cartoons. usually they ask me if they want to eat. they had eaten breakfast, by the way.
they have gotten really good about asking, but i guess i'm such a millitary freak-show mom that they knew i'd say no seeing as it was seven in the morning so they just helped themselves. my fault, my fault, my fault.
yea so its just chips right? big deal? they're just kids, barely out of babyhood. calm down, j. why do you have to be that way? whatever (rolling my eyes).
one kid continues to wet herself so is now grounded from swimming till saturday under the conditions of staying dry and of course the other kid won't go pee on the pot--she's traumatized from seeing how hard it is for the older kid; ever since she can remember there has been this constant battle of the pee and poo. its a no brainer why she's not going ahead with the training.
another by the way, i'm not worried about her training; she's clearly not quite ready but Superman, once again is putting the pressure on. God help us, maybe by the time we have our last kid he'll finally learn little people cannot be rushed in these private matters. Love you forever Superman.
God, when will the pee and poo stop? God,why do we pee and poo? God, why can't these things just be automatic, like with a cat? a kitten sees the mom go in the litter and they will go in there too. period. its okay if you cracked a smile. who doesn't when they see pee and poo refered to this way?
God, why do kids have to be blank slates? don't you see we write the wrong things on them about 80% of the time? Why do you even think i can do this job right when its so obvious i cannot.
Just another day in the hickville neighborhood here. All in a day's work.
G'day or at least what you've got left of it... j
2 comments:
*disclaimer: Please don't mistake my comment as telling you what to do or "preachy". Not a "know it all" type..I actually know very little.
hi, I'm Jennifer Bell's sis in law, Joyce. I love your take on the always challenging and CRAZY Scary task of raising kids. You were obviously not in the best of spirits when composing your post but if it makes you feel any better, you made me smile (i'm not a sicko that enjoys others anguish. you were just funny...ha). I appreciate your brutal honesty and your sense of humor. Both are required traits of a great mom. Trust me, I know. I have 3 kids and although they are "freaks" in their own rights, they are really good kids.
It's amazing how quickly the world has changed to me. Used to be kids were seen and not heard now all the experts say LISTEN to them but my gosh those little suckers can talk! Do I feel guilty because I occasionally ignore them until they stop saying mom or that I sometimes play dumb when I know they are hogging down a whole bag of doritos? yea Do I wonder if my tantrums or certified craziness will be their fate? yea Do I fear letting them grow up and go into this huge world with just my well wishes and their faith? yeppers! All I do know is that our time with them is short...too short. I NEVER felt that way when my babies were 4, 2 & newborn. Back then there was poop on my floor, couches, and floaters in the tub. There was baby barf every where too! Multiple times I even lost a kid (only lost my middle child...she likes to roam). But now that my daughters are in Jr. High (oh so SCARRRY) and a son in 4th grade I am scared of them growing up. I don't want or know how to let go. It happens soooo quickly. One huge guilt I have is when the kids were smaller it seemed a different kid every night would always ask for more kisses and hugs after bedtime prayers. I don't mean one or two extras, I mean ridiculous amounts! I would get soooo annoyed by this because they would keep on and on and on and I was DEAD TIRED and didn't want to kiss a million times. I realize then that I would one day regret not laying next to them in bed every time they asked or gave them allll the hugs and kisses no matter how tired or annoyed I became. What I didn't see then was that the older they get the less they like you and that I am now the annoying one at bedtime. I remember reaching a point that I became embarrassed of my mom but I still think that my kids will never be that way cause I'm way cooler than my mom was...but I've already seen the look in my oldest daughters eyes. Ya know, when you say something funny and only her friends laugh. Yea, she didn't think I was so funny. Could it be that I'm not cool? Nahhh, I'm sure she had something in her eye (I'm still in denial)
I have been a stay at home mom from the beginning and have dealt with many of the same frustrations, fears, let downs & FATIGUE as you have and will. I've worked a couple of times through the years in hopes of "finding myself" and I found nothing but loneliness because I missed my family. Know that you are a good mom and your kids will be great people. The reason I know...is because you cared enough to notice that you've been annoyed, bored and tired with parenting. Give yourself a break and a big pat on the back! Oh and go get a massage...it helps for a few hours anyway.
If you only knew how many bags of chips my kids have eaten without me know... or caring you would die. I agree with Joyce... give yourself a break. If you try to be perfect who are your kids going to go to therapy and talk about when they are older. LOL I want mine to talk about me... LOL Take a break and be lazy when you need to. Who cares if you are still in your pjs when hubby gets home, and the dishes still aren't done. My mom use to say they will still be there tomorrow, and so will the poop & pee... THAT my friend will NEVER end. oh yeah... just in case you didn't know we all HATE being moms sometimes it will get better, & you will miss those days. Take everyday you have with them as the WONDERFUL gift it is, take it from someone who knows it could all go away tomorrow. I hope this helped... just wanted you to know we all feel the same way. HOLD your head up high and give the kids some pringles, and take a nap... LOL hope tomorrow is better.
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