Deciding to Change

Why don’t I just change? This is what is bothering me. Guess I have a few things bothering me lately. My internal dialogue (as Dr. Phil would say) runs along these lines:

1. It is hard to change.

2. If I can’t do it perfect, I don’t want to do it yet aka if I’m only gonna remember to do once or twice or for a week then why bother?

3. I might have to be happy. Gross.

4. What do I say to a Father I’ve drifted so far away from? Where do I start? (with a side of pit in the stomach)


My Response to My Internal Dialogue:

It IS hard to change but its never going to be easier…might as well just get started. I do not like messing up but it’s gotta’ happen sometime right?

I’m NOT perfect but some is better than none, as Superman would say, “Better than a poke in the eye.”

Why do I feel like I have to be doom and gloom all the time? Because…I don’t want people to take advantage of me, mainly my family (kids and hubby). I don’t want to feel this feeling of giving all the time and seeing not a whole lot in return. Maybe that’s just my problem though. I am sniffing Fear in this. AaaaND this might be one to ask the counselor. Moving on.

I don’t know my Father and Jesus as well as I used to. very true. I’m embarrassed. I have struggled with the “Are you really out there?”- it-feels-weird-to-pray-to-the-air feeling lately. Except lately is more like the last five years or something. Deep down, I know I’m not (praying to the air) cuz these little things keep happening to me. Really silly, worldly things, story for another day.

In expressing this I am seeing where humility should play a role in this. I am prideful. I do not get on my knees, I do not have heartfelt prayers because I am prideful. I do not revel in my scriptures because I have allowed myself to get distracted with other things…because I haven’t really made up my mind that I want to change, that I want to be happy. I have so many blessings that if I am happy it could all come crashing down and I will be disappointed in my new found happiness. Just better to be miserable. Needless to say I am a work in progress and I decided last nite. This is IT! I’ve had it! I am going to take some steps. I want to improve. I am GOING TO IMPROVE! Yay for me! (take a deep breath, really deep… ok let it out) now cross my fingers, hope to die... or not.

The end.