this is a question weighing heavily on my mind lately, partly because my baby rosie is almost half a year old already. she is rolling over both ways now and ready to start cereal. for some reason, i just cannot bring myself to make that first little serving for her though. maybe i fear it will break my heart; bring home the realization that this might be the last time for a first serving of baby cereal. that though i am watching her have "firsts" every week now, that cereal brings with it a finality that i cannot keep her small as my baby forever.
so i find myself questioning this whole child rearing thing. how does a woman know? of course, there is the age old answers. "it's individual". "a couple's choice." "you'll just know." what does that mean anyways? "you'll just know." what if you don't "just know"?
sure, some moms do. i can see that. sometimes they "just know". for others the decision is made for them or there seems to be an obvious stopping point. for instance, when you have four daughters and then a son, or when you have eight and it just feels like enough, or when you have several babies close together and your womb has to be removed because it will not heal, or when you "just know" that you are going to have five and have known that since you were 12, or when you just cannot physically have them anymore because each pregnancy is worse than the last--so much so that you and your baby are at risk, or you've had too many C-sections. the list can probably go on.
but what about those in between. those with no obvious stopping point. what about the Duggar lady? she will not stop until nature decides Aunt Flo can go or the Dr. has to remove her womb because it will not heal.
How am i supposed to weigh my options? some would say "pray". well, i have. the answer is the Lord is pleased. what i've done is enough. but there can be another child come if its our choice. not just any random spirit; one chosen for our home. so its OUR choice. superman is not very supportive. he'd rather quit now, maybe while it feels we are ahead? are we ahead? what happens to that spirit boy if we don't accept him? what family will he bless his prescence with? i would always wonder that. can i LIVE with this.
what if i choose another baby? what if i can persuade superman? will the desire go away to choose another? will it really ever go away? i suppose if its never going to go away, if i am going to have to live it forever, then why not just start living it now? why bring another one, especially when i feel i cannot care for the ones i have. some people would beg to differ. "of course you are doing wonderful" they say to me. but nothing ever is as it seems.
i would like to visit with the Duggar family. how do they rationalize allowing their older children grow up so quickly because they are needed to help raise their siblings? are there any siblings that feel rebellious and they cover it up because they are basically brainwashed in the Duggar way? will and do all the children believe in or follow what Josh and Anna did and choose to let God decide how many "blessings" to give them?
let me go back to the torn feelings of having another baby. i love babies. i cannot imagine not bringing more babies into our family. i cannot imagine living without that desire. and i wonder where the spirits that we do not choose to make bodies for will go. i wonder how many i would have before i felt it's enough. that thought is scary and thrilling and then more scary and sometimes sickening. that this phase could go on for many more years.
i do not like what having children does to my body. i am not happy in the shape i am in nor do i feel i have the energy or motivation to change it. esssentially i feel i would need to become a supermom. the one that does the PTO, volunteers, does her church callings, has all her laundry done, and exercises religiously. there's all the churchy answers. make a small time for the Lord and you will have much more time to do what you want. but what about energy?
and among this, i feel anxious to move on to the next stage of my life. is that sad? i want to know what it is to not have diapers to change and baby throw-up all over me. i would like to know how it feels to have all my kids in school at once before i'm 40--what will i do then? i want to know what it is to be DONE with the baby phase, really done. am i wishing my life away? i'm beginning to wonder if DONE is meant for me. i just happen to be one daughter that Heavenly Father has chosen to live with this challenge of never "knowing"?
at this moment, the thought of this makes me sick, almost physically sick. how can I keep having children but how can I not keep having children?
can i physically handle another child? can i spiritually handle not having another child? emotionally, it is questionable either way. mentally, logically, its easiest to see this as i imagine superman must see it:
silly, over thinking girl...the answer is easy. be happy with what you have.
2 comments:
I really liked this post. I guess this is something we all face at some point, especially with the eternal perspective that we have. I know I will be the same way. I wish I had some brilliant advice for you but I don't. I think if you feel strongly about having another, you should. Otherwise, let things sit for a while.
I am so excited to join you in motherhood. Finally!
Wow! How about a HARD question? I was fortunate that I always wanted 7 children and I always felt there was another until Mel was born. Although there was a week once after she was born that I considered...but the thought went away.
Before we were first married we went to an LDS doctor who talked to us about what we wanted to do about family planning. He pointed out that some of the General Authorities had large families, but not most of them, which suggests that they likely did some planning.
Jamie, I am so touched by your sweet, faithful heart. With such sincere desire to do the right thing, I can feel the Lord's love for you just as I sit here.
What I am hearing, is 1) you are exhausted right now and really need a break, and 2) you aren't ready to say there will be no more babies. What about waiting a while? It sounds like you have received the answer - not now but possibly later. The choice doesn't have to be right now or never.
I was pregnant 4 times in the first four years of marriage, then had more space between the later children. I remember weeping with joy to have those children.
(By the way, if and when you get the answer to have another child, you do know that there are ways to improve the odds of a boy, don't you?
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